A friend indeed...

I've just suddenly got real pissed off at one of my best mates. She's so fickle, I'm getting myself so angry thinking about how she's used me in the past couple of months. She was going out with my best boy mate, and they both went off to the same uni (one her insistance-everyone else thought it was a bad idea) as soon as she got there she started fancying someone on her boyfs course....and she can't ever resist temptation. Lo and behold a month later she split up with my best mate and started spending all her time with the new guy (we'll call him LUB loud ugly boy). Now I can't be a hypocrite because I fell for my ex-boyfriends best mate, and it's a hard situation to be in. It isn't even the problem here.
A month after they'd split up she wanted to come stay wih me....she's one of my best mates so I said Yeeeeeah, come for a week. Which she did. But hey, just by coincidence LUB lives about 20 mins from me!!! So she came, and for the first two nights all she talked about was LUB....by the 2nd night i was sick of hearing it and telling her jokily to shut up about him...which she didn't. Then LUB came over. And they went out for the day together. And the next day the same happened. Then they went shopping. He had prior arrangements for the weekend, so it was just me and her, but guess what...she wouldn't shut up about LUB. And how gorgeous he is (he isn't btw).
The next night she went out for a drink with LUB and his mates, then they stayed a my house while I stayed at my boyfriends. They had sex in my bed, and went for a walk later. In the week she also went back to his house to meet his mum.
So....I felt ok about it at the time, I was just like "Ah well, they're falling for each other". But last week I texted her something that I expected a reaction from....and....nothing. She didn't text or call, so I myspaced her and it took her a good few days to reply. Seems that she only has time for me when she wants something.

Oh god....

I'm undergoing a complete lack of inspiration. I'm usually arty and creative, but today realised despite having been out of work for the past 6 months (when I could have been painting and drawing and creating) I have hardly done anything creative. When I realised that it was a good month since I had painted or drawn anything I got a sick feeling in my stomach, and desperately wanted something to inspire me, but I just can't find anything that makes me feel like being creative.
Have I neglected this part of me so much that it won't come back into existence? Or can I coax it back out...I just tried to make some sort of sculpture using wire, but I don't really know what it is I'm aiming for. In fact that's how I feel about my whole life at the moment. Everyone I know seems to be heading somewhere, and I feel completely stuck in the mud, not even sure if I want to live here or what the next step is.
I know that I veer from one extreme to the other, one day I make lists of things to do and feel happy that I'm taking control of something, then the next day I don't do anything on my lists and feel desperately weighty from the guilt of not doing anything for this long. I really need some sort of project to do, something to work towards, but without the structure of education I don't know what this should be.
Am I depressed? I think so, is this what happens when you're depressed? Half the time you feel helpless and drowning, and half the time you feel manically on top of things, but really you're just kidding yourself by making useless lists and categorizing your life to escape the feeling of helplessness.
I get the feeling I want to be out of the country, but is this just me wanting to run away from my problems, which I have come to realise will follow me wherever I go, because they are part of me. The problems I created in my previous relationship by being too needy and irritable haunt me now in my new relationship. I get to a point in a relationship and I question why I feel unhappy, but I don't think its the relationship, it's me. All me.
I'm in desperate need of some help, but without Mum I don't know who to talk to. Nobody else understands how I feel inside.

New year, new me!

Well so far I haven't done any of the things on my previous list....I tried to go to the gym today but it was closed, so went for a run instead, which made me feel really energised and great! Things with the boyfriend have been much better, including some great sex this morning, which hopefully there'll be a repeat of tonight!
I'v spent today clearing out some clutter, and tidying my shit generally. I'm a naturally untidy person, there's no order to my life, but now have a clear desk, and have put the bedding on to wash, I feel good that I'm on top of things.
Bless my mum, before she died, she did her best to get me accustomed to what it means to live on your own as an adult, getting me to do things around the house and teaching me to cook, nagging me to watch the pennies. I really should have listened, but I was a stroppy teenager, and didn't want to accept that soon there wouldn't be anybody for me to rely on....now I'm still as disorganised as I was back then, but I do know how to cook thank god. And as for the pennies, I'm really bad at that! I spend far more money than I should, especially as I don't have any income. My inheritance is diminishing, but theres a job around the corner and I can't wait to be earning, and hopefully saving money instead of spending it like theres no tomorrow

I've taken control.

Today has been ok, affection-wise, I slept til 3.30, and my boyfriend was quite cuddly all day, maybe what I said to him last night has sunk in.
I've decided to take some steps to make me a happier person....
1. Starts taking vitamin D, which apparently simulates the happy effects of the sunshine.
2. Tomorrow morning I'm going to go to the gym with my flatmate, excersize will give me something to do aside from worry over stupid things. And give me space from my boyfriend.
3. Go for a few minutes on a sunbed, thus making me look nicer and feel sexier.
4. Book an intensive driving course, so that i can pass my test and get driving, so i can get out of town to the moors or the beach...places I feel happy.
5. If none of this makes me feel better, I'll try to get some counselling from the NHS.
I feel like I've taken controll of the situation, and this makes me happier already.

I'm a needy bitch

How can I get my boyfriend to be a bit more affectionate? I've tried talking to him in a rational way, which seemed to work for a while, but then it seems to have slipped back into a pattern of piss-taking and lack of affection...so I get upset and it feels like I nag him, then he gets fed up of me being so needy and wimpering at him. And all the while I'm thinking "Is it really that he isn't affectionate enough, or will no human being ever be enough for me?"
I got to thinking that maybe your first boyfriend or girlfriend influence the way you are in a relationship more than people care to admit...for instance, my first two serious boyfriends were very touchy feely, and liked to kiss lots in public and in private. Since then I haven't had that level of affection, and have always nagged for it and come across needy. But is this just because that was my first experience of a relationship? And my boyfriend, his first serious girlfriend was one of his best mates, and their relationship was matey.
So is he like he is because of how his first girlfriend was happy being? And am I so emotionally demanding because my first boyfriend gave me so much? And if so, how the fuck do I break the cycle of needing and thus pushing away and thus needing even more? This is doing my head in, I don't feel like a normal person, I need some super-human to satisfy my needs....but my boyfriend just can't seem to understand that now mum's gone and i hardly ever see dad, he is my only source of affection....to have a whole chunk of unconditional love and affection taken away from you is something indescribably sad, and I guess I'm still getting used to not having someone sitting at home ready to cuddle me even if i don't ask for it. How do you get over that?

Decisions

Well there's not that much to tell today, I've been playing with my christmas present, a scanner which scans negatives and old slides as well - it's really fun seeing what old slides my mum had in her box of special things...there's a few from when she worked at the BBC, in the costume department, which are gorgeous. I also scanned in some of me as a baby, I was tiny!!
The water heater is on, and i'm looking forward to a good long soak. Have just eaten a very good stew which i made in about 20 mins in the pressure cooker, and have also been sorting out where I'm going to live in spetember, when my lovely flatmate moves to a house with her uni friends. I think I'll be moving with her, which will be alot of fun!
All this trying to think and plan ahead has got me wondering what to do about uni, should I apply and go in september and mabye go for the full degree on the strength of my portfolio, or should I apply for a foundation course to help me decide what degree to do eventually....I just don't know. And would I choose to go to the local uni if I wasn't already living here? Do I want to live here for the next 3 and a half years? There are so many things to consider.....This week is serious brain storming time.

The first one.

I've read alot about blogs, and thought maybe it would be a bit more refreshing and cleansing than writing in my trusty old diary....I've just had a mammoth train journey from my hometown to the city I live in now, it took 6 hours I think, and all the way I was thinking about things I could do this year, it's a blank slate for me.
I've read a couple of things that have inspired me to be the person I want to be this month...first was the alchemist by paulo coehlo, and the second was a supplement in the Guardan today, all about free stuff. Both made me realise how ridiculously materialist I am, and everyone I know is in the same boat. I always say I want to go travelling when the time is right, but what I hadn't yet admitted to myself was that there is probably never going to be a better time than now. I'm not yet twenty, I have no job, no kids, but a lump of savings which I'm currently frittering away on possessions i don't need, and food which makes me feel fat. Ha.
My mum died a couple of years ago, the festive season has been stressfull at times...seeing everyone spending time with their families at this time, when parents mean so much, and mostly people get stressed out and perhaps don't appreciate them as much as they should. I feel heavy having spent my second christmas without my mum, who meant the world to me and was my best friend, and also without my dad, who is not dead, but sometimes may as well be. Home for two whole weeks I saw my dad (who was only half an hour away) once, for 4 hours. I don't drive, so it's all on him to make the effort. I spent christmas with my boyfriend and his mum, which was lovely, but the first time I've had a christmas without people I don't count as family or surrogate family.
Aaaanyway, that was going off on a bit of a tangent, just filling you in about me. And now I'm back home in my cosy little flat, my wonderous flatmate has put the heating on for my return, and I feel much better. I know this is home for the moment, but I'm hatching big plans for the summer, thanks to the two bits of reading I did....first thing's first, a massive post-christmas charity shop chuckout...wayhey!! Watch this space xxx